I am a loser at most of the time.
I never do as well as my father wished I could. I never do as well as I wish I could.
This is how I define a loser — one who doesn’t achieve what they try for.
My father’s high expectations had trapped me. I was never able to be good enough for him. Later in my life, his goals for me became my goals for myself — always be the top student in class, always exceed in whatever I do. Failure was never an option. Being the best was the only way I was supposed to live my life. I can never be a winner unless I am the best one.
Actually, I am never the winner.
For years and years, the belief of being a loser has following me. The belief is a friend, and the belief is a foe. I can not live without beating myself up. Once I feel like giving up beating myself up with guilt, I feel my dreams are all about to die. That’s the only thing that drives me forward — guilt. It’s a loyal friend of mine, and I can not go forward without it.
Sometimes, however, the guilt is too strong. It overwhelms my thoughts, it crushes my soul. I start asking about the meaning of life. “Do we live just to feel guilt? Why I can never be the one I am supposed to be?”
It took me a very very long time to accept the fact that grace is given to me for free. When I was a new Christian, not only did I think I should follow the Bible’s doctrine, but I also should follow my father’s directions, because they were good. I feel guilt whenever I didn’t spend as much time on my studies as I wished. I felt guilt when I did clean my room as planned. I felt guilt when I did not score high enough on a exam.
In guilt, my heart was torn apart, my soul was crushed, my pillow was wet by tears, my head ached, my hopes died.
Until one day, the exhausted me was finally giving up my insistence and accepting Jesus’ new rule of the game — “I give it to you, all for free. I take care of you when you fail your class. I teach you lessons when you need to learn. You don’t need to be the best one to be the winner, because I love you, and I died for you. I chose to be the loser for you, so you are not a loser anymore. You are grown because of love, not because of guilt. Guilt is the worst guide leading you to your dream. It kills your hope, it kills your love, and your heart.”
I believe many people have struggled with guilt the way I did and may still struggle with it. For me, I am still struggling. But God cares about our souls. You are welcomed to share your experience with me. Comment here. Let’s talk together.